Scott’s Worst Films of 2016

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Hey all. Scott here. It is that time of year when list after list gets bandied about and of course I had to throw my hat in the ring. I have seen close to three hundred movies this year and while I usually stretch my best of the year list to fifteen or twenty films, I am keeping my worst list to the standard ten. Why? Well,because it was hard enough sitting through all of these wretched movies. Having to revisit them is like being hypnotized by a psychiatrist and finding out my favorite uncle really wasn’t who I thought he was. The list below represents the worst of the worst (no pun intended Suicide Squad) and if by some strange reason you actually enjoyed one of these soul sucking films, there is a place reserved for you in hell. Okay maybe that is a bit extreme but I think you get my point. Understand that you can’t unsee these movies. You will never get the time and effort you spent watching these movies back. The list below isn’t opinion, it’s gospel. Consider this my holiday gift to you. I just saved you time, money, and most importantly, your soul. You are welcome.

 

10) Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children

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I’ve been calling hospitals and looking on milk cartons in search of the Tim Burton I grew up with. Films like Batman, Beetlejuice, Ed Wood, and Edward Scissorhands seem like a distant memory. Miss Peregrine’s School For Peculiar Children is a lifeless and extremely tedious exercise in over the top and extremely bogus looking special effects. I must admit that exactly 45 minutes into this film, I contemplated the meaning of life and wondered if the world would miss me if I jumped off a bridge. The irony in all of this is that Tim Burton directed the great “Ed Wood”, a film about one of Hollywood’s most maligned directors. If this streak continues, someone is going to direct a movie called “Tim Burton” sometime in the near future.

9) Suicide Squad

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I took a lot of heat for my stance on Suicide Squad but for me, it was definitely one of the worst film I saw in 2016. It was a fanboy’s wet dream seeing Harley Quinn and the Joker on the big screen together. I thought Margot Robbie was fine as Quinn but I had major issues with Jared Leto’s Joker. Even though he had minimal time on screen, Leto’s Joker was an embarrassment. Never mind the fact that having the Joker in this film at all lent nothing to the already ridiculous story line. The last 30 minutes of Suicide Squad might be the worst 30 minutes I have seen on film this year. No matter what I say I always get the generic ” It wasn’t great, but it was entertaining” response. Yawn. This movie merely existed to take our money and so young girls could dye their hair cotton candied pink and blue while wearing a Daddy’s Little Monster t-shirt. Oh and if you have to tattoo “Damaged” on your forehead, you aren’t damaged, you are an asshole. White. Hot. Garbage.

8) WARCRAFT

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Jesus Christ Warcraft was an abomination. I still can’t tell you what the movie was about. I walked out of this movie thinking I just watched a bunch of Party City employees dress up and reenact the Orc Battle in The Lord of The Rings: The Two Towers for over two hours. Now,I don’t profess to be a card carrying member of MENSA but if you enjoyed and understood Warcraft, you probably still live in your parents basement. Also, was the guy with the pierced tusks the worst onscreen character this year?

 

 

7) Neighbors 2

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Seth Rogen is slowly but surely creeping up on my “Adam Sandler: Do Not Watch List”. I have come to the conclusion that he just isn’t funny. Neighbors 2 was filled with the same recycled joke that made Neighbors such a drag. How many times do we have to suffer through the airbag bit? I am just praying that I don’t have to sit through a Neighbors 3. That would be a certain sign of an apocalypse.

6) Independence Day: Resurgence

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We waited 20 years for this steaming pile of shit? The first sign of problems is when Will Smith turns down a role in one of his most successful films ever. My sneaking suspicion is that Smith knew that Suicide Squad was going to be a disaster and couldn’t live with the torment of having two of his films on my worst list. Okay maybe that is not the exact reason but WOW is Independence Day: Resurgence bad. 1996’s Independence Day is by no means a classic but at least it was fun. You know when your movie is headlined by Thor’s younger brother that you’ve got big problems. I was rooting for the aliens to destroy mankind.

5) Blair Witch

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This one I did not see coming. The new Blair Witch movie is from the writer/director combo that brought us The Guest and You’re Next. Simon Barrett and Adam Wingard were really on a roll and then came Blair Witch. I love The Blair Witch Project. It is one of my top ten horror movies of all time. This new and supposedly improved Blair Witch is supposed to be an extension of the first film ( no one ever counts Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2) and it was just an excuse to make a quasi remake that is just loud and obnoxious. The Blair Witch Project had a sense of wonder to it and was genuinely terrifying. The reboot is just an uninspired attempt at catching lightning in a bottle. I cried watching this film for completely different reasons. It was torturous.

4) Morgan

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I remember the website attached to Morgan was called WhoisMorgan?.com. The answer after watching Morgan was painfully obvious. Who gives a shit?  How did this movie even get made? This is basically about an engineered lab specimen who simply wants to go out and play. I’m going to spoil the whole movie for you and save you time. Morgan who is a girl who wears a hoodie. She wants more recess time. She goes all Chuck Norris on everyone. Kate Mara is sent by the company who created  Morgan to go and assess the situation ( she’s a “risk manager”) and it turns out that Kate Mara is also a lab specimen. You are welcome, again.This movie is an absolute embarrassment. I would much rather watch a documentary about Morgan Freeman reading the phone book in his soft. soothing voice than to ever have to revisit Morgan.

3) How to Be Single

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I’m going to use this platform to officially announce that I am done with Rebel Wilson. I’m sorry but she just isn’t funny. If the idea of a drunk Wilson using a cat litter box instead of a bathroom floats your boat than How To be Single is the movie for you. My wife made me watch this with her and as soon as the credits rolled I was on the phone with a divorce attorney. We are still together but I’m not going to mince words, our relationship hasn’t been the same since. Like The Ring, if you watch this movie, you will die in seven days.

2) The Disappointments Room and The Darkness

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I was up for three days trying to decide which movie was worse. It finally occurred to me that The Darkness and The Disappointments Room were the exact same movie. One starred Kevin Bacon and the other starred Kate Beckinsale. Both have the initials KB. It’s like having more than one child. How can you love one child more than the other? Both of these movies left me defeated. The Disappointments Room is about a house with an old room that the previous owner kept his disfigured daughter locked away. I am going to build that same room for every movie on this list. In The Darkness an autistic kid goes into a cave and gets possessed by some ancient Indian curse. It’s not a scary curse. It just forces some invisible dude to leave messy hand prints on the boy’s comforter, leaving the boy’s mother no choice but to buy more Tide Pods and do more laundry. So selfish.

 

 

1) Sausage Party

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The single worst time I have had in a movie theater in 2016. Scratch that. The single worst time I have had in a movie in over a decade. How is it possible to sit through an entire movie labeled as a comedy and not laugh once? This movie was LONG. Gone With the Wind long. I lost count of how many times I had to look at my watch during Sausage Party and I don’t even own a watch. It just wouldn’t end. If you liked Sausage Party we can never be friends. Congrats Seth Rogen. You are now the proud owner of two films in my worst of 2016 list. This is why Will Smith didn’t do Independence Day: Resurgence.